Mary Faltz

Today, I received the news of your death.

Strangely, it coincided with the same day I received the sweetest news that I am allowed to live on…

I knew this day was approaching, rather sooner than later, while we were both fighting cancer, only you were not allowed to fight at all…

Perhaps my sleepless nights sensed your impending demise. I would like to believe that we were at least connected in that way.

I am unsure of my emotions after today’s news…is it sadness? anger? relief? empathy? pity? confusion?

Perhaps, it is a mix of all of them. Will I go through the grieving process like a daughter would? Only time will tell…

Truth is, in my books, you already died a long time ago, along with the rest of this family.

I will never know if you have ever loved me like you loved your other 5 children.

I have no happy memories to fall back on. Very early on, I have felt your rejection and have always tried to excuse it, but that was too easy.

My recent post about cancer choosing the most kind hearted people is very timely because you were a very kind woman even if that kindness was never directed towards me…you never deserved a life full of misery.

You failed to protect me from the obvious hell I was trapped in, fully at the mercy of your devil husband. I forgive you for that.

When that monster was officially convicted for hurting your little girl all these years, you still stood by him and you asked me to go to church to confess for what I did to him. I forgive you for that.

We both received our cancer diagnosis at the same time, only you, despite being a competent doctor, were denied surgery, chemo and radiotherapy by the people that were meant to care for you.

You were fully at the mercy of that POS and none of your 5 children, namely Adolf, Diana, Lemmer, Elisabeth and Michelle bothered insisting that you receive any cancer treatment at all.

I will never know how it feels to have a mother (or parent at all) who cares about me and loves me unconditionally like I am able to with my own children.

I can’t lose something I never had in the first place.

I can’t miss something I never had the chance to experience.

…and so even though I so wished that your devil husband would have been the one in that morgue today, I am sorry that you were the one to go first.

Rest in peace, Nora, I finally forgive you.

Mary